★ Sorry if I ain't perfect enough.
Long post. Don't read if you're not interested.
Yesterday was the first time I cried in public. It's as if I don't even care about what others think when they saw my red glowing face. I've been trying to not let go of the tears for such a long time. But you know, everybody has their limits. I wanted to run from you, but you kept chasing me. But instead of trying to make me happy, you blamed me. Why was everything my fault? I can't be perfect. I can't cook. I can't do anything. I can't even get along with you family.
And your family kept teasing me. Saying that I wasn't good enough for you. You'll be depending on Maggi Cups for a living. And you went along with your so called 'joke'. Hellooo, was I invisible?! I was sitting right there! On that red chair. Dressed in black and blue. Maybe because I was to quiet and to dumb for you to respect my feelings. I became bored with all of your family's 'jokes' and left towards the living room. You scolded me for acting so 'arrogant' and didn't help with the cooking. I had no intention of that! I was too useless in the kitchen, haven't you noticed, dear? By then, I was thinking of leaving you. But I kept it too myself. We're supposed to be happy today, right?
After that, you fully lauched your 'Nazihah isn't there' mode. You ignored me! You left me talking to a fish! Your brother called me a doll! And you thought it was 'nothing'. My god, it was humiliating! Who do you think I am, a robot? A slave? My heart was breaking and aching. I wanted to LEAVE right that instant. But then our friends came and I felt happy again. At least I had company. After they ate, laughed and drank, they left. One by one. I was starting to feel lonely and went back to your fish. Maybe I should marry the fish, and not you.
Then there was jealousy. A common feeling in girls. Every girl has jealousy. Your sister wasn't your real sister, right? So try and not act so cute and cuddly together. You've known me for 2 years but your sister was with you for only a few months. I wanted to barf. So next thing I know, I was down the street. Crying my eyes out with you tailing my behind. I told you to leave me alone. But you didn't listen. Of course you didn't. You wanted to act all hero. But instead you just made me cry harder. Shouting at me. Blaming me for everything.
And then there was the bus stop. You sat at one end and I sat on the other. You went closer to me and told me to move to the shader part because my face was already in the sensitive zone and I would get serious sunburn. Yet, I didn't move. I was too depressed to even look at you face. It took you about 1 hour to calm me down, right? You said your sorry's and made me promise to not cry, again. But tears still flow from my eyes. I told you that I will not visit your house again. Never. Never ever ever. You then gave me the 'look'. That 'look' that could melt me everytime I look at you. But it didn't work this time. My eyes were to cloudy, I can't even see the cars in front of me.
I pleaded for you not to leave me alone. Send me home! Send me homeee! But you can't. Your bicycle was to important. Fine. I calmed down a bit and washed my face with the sweat on my palm. "Go pray. I'll go send my bicycle home and pick you up. Hurry," you said. Okay. I didn't do my Asar prayers yet so it was a good time for me to meet god.
After praying, I left the surau. I saw you waiting for me. I felt relieved. I thought you were going to leave me. So then you sent me home. You told not to follow my heart that's been filled with the 'demons'. Go eat. Haha. Okay. "Bye, I love you." Lastly, you speed off. I had a nightmare that night. I dreamt that you left me and married your adopted sister. Anime comics do have side effects.
But it was just a
dream nightmare. A play from the demons.
Thank you for making me still believe in you, A.
xx Nazihah Anuar.